Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
