i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
