do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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