I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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