If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
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