In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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