buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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