every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
