Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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