when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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