To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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