When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
