i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just forgot I was standing up.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
