I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
