my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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