And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
