my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
