Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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