I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
