I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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