I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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