three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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