Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
