She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Randomize
