My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
