you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
