Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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