birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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