Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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