I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
