wrigley field is MILF paradise
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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