Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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