dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
