How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
