And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Randomize
