um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
