Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
