i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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