You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
do nipples grow back?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
