is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I intend to get homeless drunk
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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