I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
