just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Your cock deserves a montage
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
