i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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