I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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