Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
