Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
this must be what syphilis tastes like
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
