The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
