Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
