I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
