If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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