I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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