Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
